Overhaul

I need to overhaul. It seems that I’ve been to the dreamland for so long. I need to be back in reality. There are things that overwhelm me so much that it sweeps me up high, blithe, and fleeting. I’m back on the grounds now. But it was good too in the fantasy island.

I loved prematurely the skies, and now that the wind seems to be unwarry, I need to set my feet back on the ground where it’s more steady. Well, it’s where I started, right? And I guess wondering what the dream land would be like is better than being in the dreamland itself.

Anyway, it works better this way. But it doesn’t mean I’m off the hook or stopped looking up the skies. It’s just that … it takes some right ways. Overhaul. Clean up. Refresh. Renew. Back on the ground.

You Could Have At Least Lied

When you’re apart from someone, there is nothing else you would like to ask or to know but for the assurance of something like "you’ll be in my heart always". But some people take it for granted, while others take it as an inspiration to hold on. But which of these two usually happens? It all depends.

In a relationship, a woman needs love, care, and respect the most of all. With men, they need love, acceptance, and trust most of all.

When each doesn’t get these three basic big things, the rest could hardly follow.

The question is, with a "distance relationship", which is harder to do or to be constant and spontaneous with — giving what women need or what men need?

Or which is easier to give in a long-distance relationship, trust or care? acceptance or respect?

You do the math.

But for most, it takes two to tango.

If you’re the woman, you’ve been cared but isn’t respected … how would that be?

… and …

If you’re the man, you’ve been accepted as you are fully but can’t be trusted … how would that be?

Draining, isn’t it? It would hardly work.

So, all it takes is sacrifice and take the gamble … and yes, to hell with the consequences …

For isn’t it more wonderful to think what love can do? But yet we fear for the worse. So, we doubt.

But how about keeping our doubts to ourselves and rather make it as a secret mind-set and choose on risking (even lying), with fingers crossed, by saying we trust each other and that we want the commitment? Would it work? For others, perhaps.

But taking it for granted is the fear that had be looming over anyone’s thoughts.

That’s why there’s sacrifice.

And that is what we sometimes miss, we lack, we don’t see, or feel.

So, should we take it as a challenge, or should we let go and accept that with this … it will all end up to nothing?

Well, either one wouldn’t want the latter option if both have the mutual feeling.

So, would you lie and say, "I trust you … blah blah blah"?

It could work for a while, I presume. But … truth sets us always free.

The truth is there but sometime we lack faith to see and hold on to that truth.

So, I guess lying wouldn’t be good at all, FAITH could.

Smile.

Define "No Commitment."

When used in a relationship, It could mean: no trust. i don’t want responsibility. i want to be free. no deal. no demands. no boundaries. open for dates. i don’t see a future with you. i’m afraid to love and be hurt again. you’re not rich. you’re not beautiful. or it could also mean, "we-have-a-relationship-when-we-are-together-but-not-when-we-are-away".

It goes on and on and on. when people asked you who she is to you or who he is to you … you could say "a friend" – with unlimited benefits?

I was in this situation BEFORE. my reason? i don’t see a future with her but she’s fun to be with. and that made me a jerk. perhaps, even selfish.
now, is it payback time? is this what they called "karma?"

maybe.

or maybe, it’s just so complicated.

i don’t know. for i haven’t heard anything assuring or i’m just missing and messing it all up.

but there WERE (or are?) actions that can suffice what can’t be heard (or read).

but how would you do that with distance?

risky.

no strings-attached. does that mean you’re open for dates and suitors?

if NO, do you tell people "i’m attached" or you rather present yourself as available for dates?

i wanted to tell the world "i’m attached". and i’m happy with it.

but for me, doesn’t it sound like illusionary, daydreaming, fantasizing? unreal?

maybe.

one sees no extra mile from the other. or maybe, the other one needs not to put those extra miles because of her/his greater faith.

but are you really doing some extra miles?

i know you can do better than that.

is a minute for every hour too much to give? no, not even the busiest. but that only works with heart full of the passion of doing it — regardless how horded your world could be.

if i can’t sense and feel it … and then there’s nothing.

should i always wait for every actions to show up?

and why do i keep asking when i know the answers?

i heard some answers but it’s not living with me everyday.

i don’t know, maybe all these thoughts …

COULD BE …

your thoughts too.

I REALLY DON’T KNOW. or just doesn’t see it the way the she wants to put it.

these doubts hurt.

you have doubts too, i heard.

but everything’s sounds easy out there for you, is it?

as you’ve said, it burdens you not.

so what do i have to keep going?

IMAGINATIONS?

Perhaps,of the past ACTIONS.

Or FAITH.

Actions Speak Louder than Words

Action speaks louder than words. You’ve shown it all when he was with you.

If you’re better off showing how you care thru actions than thru words, how would you compensate that with someone you told you care but in a far distant place? Sending text messages through a cell phone is an act, isn’t it? But sending per se doesn’t necessarily tell how you care except with the words sent. Although for others hi, hellos, and with "when" you send those messages would just do. Should words, thru emails and text messages, compensate the actions you cannot show, it would be much better.

Despite this situation, you would rather not be deprived but instead thankful, for by technology, communication today minimizes any deficit the distance had cost.

But are you making use of it to its fullest?

Sorry, I’m just in-touched with my feminine side. One who likes kids, likes helping out around the house, and who dreams more of growing old with the woman he loves more than he does of being a hero or a business tycoon (but i’d like to do that in my next life - if there is).

But if after all the effort and it ends up with nothing, I’d rather relive my life and be a soldier than be a tear-jerky or hopeless romantic for nothing.

But again, it’s all just because I wanted something big and yet it can’t happen and it seems DOOMED!

No, it’s not only up to me.

It takes TWO to tango.

I Usually Don't Give a Dime!

I usually don’t give a dime (damn) about beggars. We usually don’t, do we? I, or perhaps most of us, have the notion that they just inherited the "begging" act -- if not already in their genes.

To the adult beggars we usually think they are more capable than just begging, thus usually makes us refuse to give a dime. We assume they just think they got no other way but ask and beg. I am not naive to how a true beggar feels.

I have experienced being really broke for almost 2 days and eating only a loaf - half of it each day. It was when I was still a student away from home and all the ATM networks are either unavailable or offline. I didn't have a mobile phone to text or call for financial back up. I used up my last bunch of pennies to pay my way to the nearest ATM hoping I can take out a few bills. But the digits show zeros. That was really pain in the ... stomach?

Tonight, January 10, 2006, I was going home from a shopping spree (thanks to SM Gift Checks). As the jeepney (bound for Philcoa/Quezon Cityhall from SM North Edsa) stopped, a kid crawled on his feet in the jeepney and started wiping each passenger’s shoe. It was not unusual for me for I’ve seen this a lot of times already — AND I USUALLY DON’T GIVE A DAMN.

But that night, I was annoyed with heavy coins in my pocket. I gave them all away to a kid who climbed in the jeepney I'm riding in to wipe the dust off our shoes with a not so clean cloth. There was nothing special after I emptied my pocket.

But as we rode off, I saw the kid sat on the pavement, counted his coins, smiled and look away - as if he was looking at a beautiful sunset in the horizon. He did not look back and smiled at me to give a thank you look (nobody seemed to teach them how to). His mind was carried away somewhere unseen. His far-fetched eyes and smile meant something more.

The kid’s smile was comparable to a man winning a big prize and rightly went on dreaming away with imaginations -- perhaps buying a luxurious car.

The kid's expression made my night. I guess it made me smile too. That smile was really different. It was sparkling. We both sparked.

It gave me the genuine definition of being "generous."