I'm Kaput!

Flush floods, violent winds, litters, smoke-belchers, and LESS VEGETABLES!!! Manila sucks! I can’t wait to get home for vegetables, vegetables, and vegetables … and nobody else can prepare a great green meal better than my mom and my wife-to-be.

Manila makes me get old fast. I would better see more trees than more dancing and colorful lights. I miss the pleasure of the Sabbath under the cool shade of trees, hearing chirping birds, and playing with dogs/cats.

RIght now, I can’t sit any longer in front of this PC/monitor because my eyes are heavy-tired from seeing countless vehicles and aching backs from long traffic-jammed travels, respectively.

I’m kaput!

No Place like Home

Flush floods, violent winds, litters, smoke-belchers, and LESS VEGETABLES!!! Manila sucks! I can’t wait to get home for vegetables, vegetables, and vegetables … and nobody else can prepare a great green meal better than my mom and my wife-to-be.

Manila makes me get old fast. I would better see more trees than more dancing and colorful lights. I miss the pleasure of the Sabbath under the cool shade of trees, hearing chirping birds, and playing with dogs/cats.

Right now, I can’t sit any longer in front of this PC/monitor because my eyes are heavy-tired from seeing countless vehicles and aching backs from long traffic-jammed travels, respectively.
I’m kaput!

"Helo Helo Na-a Ba Ko Diha?"

"Helo, helo, na-a ba ko diha?" I was just a kid. I was in front of the tape recorder asking.
My parents have this creative idea of preserving our happy childhood moments. From the time my kuya and I were born, my parents recorded our voices in a casette tape. So, I heard how I cried when I came out of my mother. I heard my first laughter.

They squeezed our baby skins us to make us cry. They ran their fingers all over our vein-loaded body areas us to make us laugh; all just for the record. Ha ha ha, maybe my parents should have been journalists or manipulative investigators.

The recording went on once every year until we reached gradeschool.
I can hear myself say, "uyok man na o, uyok uyok" — a baby-talk of saying "tuyok (rotating) man na o, tuyok-tuyok" As tod, I was pointing at the two small reels of the tape inside the boom box cassette.

There are a lot of funny words I made and they all still make me smile, if not laugh, today. Oh, yes! I have a happy childhood.

Now one of those recorded blah blahs turned out to be a romantic line today, and that is ….
"Hello, hello, na-a ba ko diha?" (Hello, hello, am I there?)

It is now what my wife-to-be and I use to open each call. She find it sweet and I find it lovely. We both reply, "Yes, you’re here."

And that makes the entity of of the leas, dales, and seas that divide us go "POOF!!!" …. like they never existed.

"Yes, you’re here."

Simply Nathalie

(from the song "Simply Jessie")

And I don’t know how I knew itBut I knew it somehow
You’re the answer to the question
No one’s answered till now

And I don’t know what you see
What you see in me
Girl it’s nothing to what I see in you

Stars that glisten
Lips for kissin’
Honey listen it’s true
No one ever loved you better
I love ya honey

And I’ve known a girl or two
But none of them was you
And they could never be what you are to me

Stars that glisten
Lips for kissin’
Honey listen it’s true
No one ever loved you better
I love ya honey
I love you

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

The Creature and The Prey

The creature is beautiful. That was indeed a delightful thought. Perhaps, even the Kingkong has the romantic side behind its monster facade.

The creature has been roaming and looking for its prey. It has found some tasteful encounters — the fat, the ugly, the "fast" food, the poor, the sloppy, the old, the unthinkable, the meaty — but found itself still wanting. Why? Perhaps, he’s been entertaining his wild side or was it?

The creature seems to have found a right prey. Perhaps, it smells good or a bonafide "full-of-spices" but how sure is the creature?

Who cares? Presumably the hunger is still there and there is no right and perfect meal for the creature. But there is always the right smell.

Dear creature, I hope you’ve found what you’ve been looking, needing, and wanting for. Good luck! You may need it though you don’t believe it.

Finally

(transcribed from the song "Love of My Life")

There are so many different kinds of love and mostly I have tried them all. But just when I’m feeling secure with one, my heart’s strings break, and I begin to fall … the hard and painful fall.

So I picked up my feelings and put them away, thinking no one could ever care. But then they (my Kingkang and my God) moved in to that place in my heart, they understood and now I know they’re always there. Now they come over me, released my soul and set it free. They will always be.

I had longed for love that was perfectly pure, and the bond that was equally strong. So I went through the emotions a thousand times but what I thought was love turned out to be all wrong.

Then they showed me how they could be everything. My wife, my maker, my friend and I’ve never been loved like this before. Letting me know we want each other and would do anything what it takes for us to be closer making the sea not cruel anymore.

Finally!

Probinsyano Ako

Bayang nakakabaliw, perlas ng silanganan, alab ng galit, sa dibdib moy uhaw … lupang kawawa, duyan ka ng korapsyon .. haaaay …

Paumanhin sapagka’t ako’y isang probinsyano.

Ang buhay Maynila naman talaga o. Nung nasa probinsya pa ako, hindi ko ‘to naranasan. Walang pakialam, di ramdam ang paghihirap … buhay ay simple at masagana. Ngunit habang ako’y napadpad dtio sa Maynila’t namulat sa kamusmusan at paghihirap sa bawa’t kantong napupuntahan, ako muli’y nangarap maka-uwi sa amin sa probinsya, oo probinsya.

Karamihan ngayo’y nangangarap makapunta ibayong dagat upang makakita ng swerte at masaganang buhay. Oo, at ako din ay nangarap. Ngunit ang oras mo nama’y ubos — ugod sa pagtatrabaho upang malampasan pa ang dating probinsyanong kasaganahan, na sana’y para sa asawa’t anak.

Pero kung uuwi naman ako sa probinsya at sweldo’y katamtaman lamang pambili ng pagkain sa lamesa … parang di bale na lang.

Ngunit parang iba ngayon. Ang nasa-isip ko’y mapaliban lang muna ang ninanais kong makamtang kasaganahan at manatiling masipag at mag-ipon para umuwi sa probinsya …
at mag….

ASAWA.. hahahahahaha!

Simple. Masagana. Tahimik. May oras. Kasama ang mahal sa buhay. Kasama ang Pamilya. Malayo sa kamundohan. Sariwa ang hangin.

Un lang pala eh .. hehehehe.

Kingkang

God is good. All things work together for good to them that love Him.

But I’ve been bad, even a jerk, but it’s all been called for.

I went afar like a nomad in a desert, looking at a spring of water but ended in an oasis. It evaporated as quickly as how the rain gashed from the heavy gray clouds – both making my days arid and damp. I tried to seek for answers and ended hearing my echo (echoes in a desert? hmmm, that’s insane!).

Yet the gray clouds drifted away and the rays of the sun pierced like dancing swords through the clouds. I started to rise eight times, opened my damped polo-shirt, let the fresh air breeze into my chest, threw my arms open and embraced the light. A new world has opened. It was then that I understood how blessed I was despite the heavy rains.

“O Love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul to thee. I give thee back the life I owe …,” hearing the song playing in my mind, I shouted with glee and praised, “it is well with my soul for through the tempest I found a paradise I never seem to see.”

A special someone who makes me closest to where I want my life in and what I know my life is for. How can I blame an adventure I thought was wasted, when all along it was meant for me to meet you?

You believe what I believe. You’re a pure goat (a vegetarian to be exact). You don’t just cook for you are a gifted chef. Unbelievably smart that perfectly complements the beauty of your almond eyes. You have a dream where mud and flowers make a child’s world more colorful than a Disneyland. You have the voice that lullabies any monster to sleep melodiously or by telling a story. I can’t wait to slumber together with my child, or say with our child?

You maybe a dragon or a Kingkang (a female Kingkong?) of today but dragons do heal and Kingkang has a big heart.

The advent of you makes me the Kingkong of today. Come and my arms are big and strong to protect you and pamper you.

I am indeed spiritually grateful.

Overhaul

I need to overhaul. It seems that I’ve been to the dreamland for so long. I need to be back in reality. There are things that overwhelm me so much that it sweeps me up high, blithe, and fleeting. I’m back on the grounds now. But it was good too in the fantasy island.

I loved prematurely the skies, and now that the wind seems to be unwarry, I need to set my feet back on the ground where it’s more steady. Well, it’s where I started, right? And I guess wondering what the dream land would be like is better than being in the dreamland itself.

Anyway, it works better this way. But it doesn’t mean I’m off the hook or stopped looking up the skies. It’s just that … it takes some right ways. Overhaul. Clean up. Refresh. Renew. Back on the ground.

You Could Have At Least Lied

When you’re apart from someone, there is nothing else you would like to ask or to know but for the assurance of something like "you’ll be in my heart always". But some people take it for granted, while others take it as an inspiration to hold on. But which of these two usually happens? It all depends.

In a relationship, a woman needs love, care, and respect the most of all. With men, they need love, acceptance, and trust most of all.

When each doesn’t get these three basic big things, the rest could hardly follow.

The question is, with a "distance relationship", which is harder to do or to be constant and spontaneous with — giving what women need or what men need?

Or which is easier to give in a long-distance relationship, trust or care? acceptance or respect?

You do the math.

But for most, it takes two to tango.

If you’re the woman, you’ve been cared but isn’t respected … how would that be?

… and …

If you’re the man, you’ve been accepted as you are fully but can’t be trusted … how would that be?

Draining, isn’t it? It would hardly work.

So, all it takes is sacrifice and take the gamble … and yes, to hell with the consequences …

For isn’t it more wonderful to think what love can do? But yet we fear for the worse. So, we doubt.

But how about keeping our doubts to ourselves and rather make it as a secret mind-set and choose on risking (even lying), with fingers crossed, by saying we trust each other and that we want the commitment? Would it work? For others, perhaps.

But taking it for granted is the fear that had be looming over anyone’s thoughts.

That’s why there’s sacrifice.

And that is what we sometimes miss, we lack, we don’t see, or feel.

So, should we take it as a challenge, or should we let go and accept that with this … it will all end up to nothing?

Well, either one wouldn’t want the latter option if both have the mutual feeling.

So, would you lie and say, "I trust you … blah blah blah"?

It could work for a while, I presume. But … truth sets us always free.

The truth is there but sometime we lack faith to see and hold on to that truth.

So, I guess lying wouldn’t be good at all, FAITH could.

Smile.

Define "No Commitment."

When used in a relationship, It could mean: no trust. i don’t want responsibility. i want to be free. no deal. no demands. no boundaries. open for dates. i don’t see a future with you. i’m afraid to love and be hurt again. you’re not rich. you’re not beautiful. or it could also mean, "we-have-a-relationship-when-we-are-together-but-not-when-we-are-away".

It goes on and on and on. when people asked you who she is to you or who he is to you … you could say "a friend" – with unlimited benefits?

I was in this situation BEFORE. my reason? i don’t see a future with her but she’s fun to be with. and that made me a jerk. perhaps, even selfish.
now, is it payback time? is this what they called "karma?"

maybe.

or maybe, it’s just so complicated.

i don’t know. for i haven’t heard anything assuring or i’m just missing and messing it all up.

but there WERE (or are?) actions that can suffice what can’t be heard (or read).

but how would you do that with distance?

risky.

no strings-attached. does that mean you’re open for dates and suitors?

if NO, do you tell people "i’m attached" or you rather present yourself as available for dates?

i wanted to tell the world "i’m attached". and i’m happy with it.

but for me, doesn’t it sound like illusionary, daydreaming, fantasizing? unreal?

maybe.

one sees no extra mile from the other. or maybe, the other one needs not to put those extra miles because of her/his greater faith.

but are you really doing some extra miles?

i know you can do better than that.

is a minute for every hour too much to give? no, not even the busiest. but that only works with heart full of the passion of doing it — regardless how horded your world could be.

if i can’t sense and feel it … and then there’s nothing.

should i always wait for every actions to show up?

and why do i keep asking when i know the answers?

i heard some answers but it’s not living with me everyday.

i don’t know, maybe all these thoughts …

COULD BE …

your thoughts too.

I REALLY DON’T KNOW. or just doesn’t see it the way the she wants to put it.

these doubts hurt.

you have doubts too, i heard.

but everything’s sounds easy out there for you, is it?

as you’ve said, it burdens you not.

so what do i have to keep going?

IMAGINATIONS?

Perhaps,of the past ACTIONS.

Or FAITH.

Actions Speak Louder than Words

Action speaks louder than words. You’ve shown it all when he was with you.

If you’re better off showing how you care thru actions than thru words, how would you compensate that with someone you told you care but in a far distant place? Sending text messages through a cell phone is an act, isn’t it? But sending per se doesn’t necessarily tell how you care except with the words sent. Although for others hi, hellos, and with "when" you send those messages would just do. Should words, thru emails and text messages, compensate the actions you cannot show, it would be much better.

Despite this situation, you would rather not be deprived but instead thankful, for by technology, communication today minimizes any deficit the distance had cost.

But are you making use of it to its fullest?

Sorry, I’m just in-touched with my feminine side. One who likes kids, likes helping out around the house, and who dreams more of growing old with the woman he loves more than he does of being a hero or a business tycoon (but i’d like to do that in my next life - if there is).

But if after all the effort and it ends up with nothing, I’d rather relive my life and be a soldier than be a tear-jerky or hopeless romantic for nothing.

But again, it’s all just because I wanted something big and yet it can’t happen and it seems DOOMED!

No, it’s not only up to me.

It takes TWO to tango.

I Usually Don't Give a Dime!

I usually don’t give a dime (damn) about beggars. We usually don’t, do we? I, or perhaps most of us, have the notion that they just inherited the "begging" act -- if not already in their genes.

To the adult beggars we usually think they are more capable than just begging, thus usually makes us refuse to give a dime. We assume they just think they got no other way but ask and beg. I am not naive to how a true beggar feels.

I have experienced being really broke for almost 2 days and eating only a loaf - half of it each day. It was when I was still a student away from home and all the ATM networks are either unavailable or offline. I didn't have a mobile phone to text or call for financial back up. I used up my last bunch of pennies to pay my way to the nearest ATM hoping I can take out a few bills. But the digits show zeros. That was really pain in the ... stomach?

Tonight, January 10, 2006, I was going home from a shopping spree (thanks to SM Gift Checks). As the jeepney (bound for Philcoa/Quezon Cityhall from SM North Edsa) stopped, a kid crawled on his feet in the jeepney and started wiping each passenger’s shoe. It was not unusual for me for I’ve seen this a lot of times already — AND I USUALLY DON’T GIVE A DAMN.

But that night, I was annoyed with heavy coins in my pocket. I gave them all away to a kid who climbed in the jeepney I'm riding in to wipe the dust off our shoes with a not so clean cloth. There was nothing special after I emptied my pocket.

But as we rode off, I saw the kid sat on the pavement, counted his coins, smiled and look away - as if he was looking at a beautiful sunset in the horizon. He did not look back and smiled at me to give a thank you look (nobody seemed to teach them how to). His mind was carried away somewhere unseen. His far-fetched eyes and smile meant something more.

The kid’s smile was comparable to a man winning a big prize and rightly went on dreaming away with imaginations -- perhaps buying a luxurious car.

The kid's expression made my night. I guess it made me smile too. That smile was really different. It was sparkling. We both sparked.

It gave me the genuine definition of being "generous."